Scary Times

I don’t remember the song that was playing on the radio, but I do remember how it made me feel: Sad. I had an overwhelming feeling that things in the world weren’t right. This wasn’t my anxiety. Nope, this was something else. It was at that very moment when I realize just how fucked up the world is becoming.

I live in a mid-sized town in the interior of British Columbia, Canada, and I’ve always loved it here. The summers are warm; the winters bring tons of snow, and the community is full of great people. I have noticed a lot of changes, however, over the past couple of years. The summers have been blanketed by forest fire smoke, our river floods in the spring, and this winter was unusually warm. A warmer winter may not seem like a bad thing, but it brings concerns for a lack of runoff and water in the spring. Beyond weather changes, our city has become increasingly unsettled.

2019 has brought to our city, 5 murders; a kidnapping; a couple of stabbings; and the police have raided several homes and business to find an enormous amount of weapons. The news states almost all of these incidents are related to the local drug trade. It’s fair to say, our city has had it’s share of crime, but this is ridiculous.

My feeling of unease gets worse as I browse Facebook and news sites. I can’t get away for the non-stop debates about Government. Not just ours either… I won’t talk politics here, but I can say I have no idea what has brought us to this state. It’s scary times in the world, and it all hit me as I was driving back to work after my lunch break. I’d love to blame this feeling on my anxiety, but I don’t think my thoughts are irrational.

I’m not a pessimist. If fact, I usually find the best in most situations. However, when I look around me, I’m finding it hard to see good. I feel we are living in some scary times, and I can’t help but think it’s only going to get worse.

The Voice Inside

To look at my life from another’s eyes, you’d see a semi-successful woman. A decent job in business; a great boyfriend; my own home; well-known in the community; friends; family; happy. However, if you could see the thoughts in my head from childhood to now, it would look like this:

Childhood: A big world full of interest, but fear. The smell of the forest and earth. The warm sun on my face; the smell of cut grass.  I remember times of peace and times of great fear.  Sadness and joy so intense.  The fighting and tears before my dad left. Feeling responsible. Abandoned and scared. Anxiety.  Hiding in school bathrooms at lunch time; lost friends, imaginary friends, imaginary loves.  Dreams of a perfect home.  Childhood crushes.  Body loathing. Fear of male family friends and their touch.

Fun and fights with siblings.  New and lost pets.  The excitement of new clothes or shoes.  Toys that brought joy.  Imagination. 

TEENS: Losing my mom (not literally) to alcohol and a man.  Growing up and having my first love.  Too young for my first time.  Finding and fighting for independence.  Fear and excitement. 

Moving to an unknown city.

Making and losing friends.

Fights with my parents.

Guilt.

Self-loathing.

Eating disorders.

Drinking.

Drugs.

Living with a boy, and the ups and downs of navigating teenage life.  Working terrible jobs and feeling ugly.  Feeling rejected and used.  Not having a voice.  Not having a future direction except to find love.

Moving again and hating everything.  Settling in and then uprooted again.

20’s: Meeting my husband and school and growth.  Happiness.  Disgust at my own body.  Eating disorder again.  Searching for acceptance, but only finding loneliness and pain.  Lost.

30‘s: Leaving my husband.  Trying to find myself. Making bad choices with life and men.  Fear.

Choosing the wrong men and work.  Anxiety.  Confusion.  Making new friends and growing.

Running, fitness, and starting a business.

Making mistakes and shutting down.

40s: Pushing myself past the pain to try and find happiness.  Some wins some losses. 

Continuing to push and push. 

Finding love once more, but not without difficulties.

Uncertainty in career.  Boredom.  Drinking.  Trying, but not good enough.

Self-loathing.

Trying to make it through each day at work.  Trying to feel happy and satisfied after work.  Trying to accept myself and not let others define me.  Not caring what others think, but comparing myself to others.

Trying, trying, trying. Gains and failure.

Don’t know what to do.  Then I know everything.

Inspired.

Dejected.

Keep pushing.

Body loathing.

Love for my dog. 

Love for my man.

Angry.

Happy. Sad. Scared. Confident. Confused. Lost. Doing my best!

A Better Me

Time seems to be moving faster than I can keep up with. Everyday feel the same to me, and very little excites me. No matter what goals I set for myself, I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. So — it’s time to make a change. I’m 44 years old, and I need to find a better version of myself.

Looking back over the last 10ish years, I realize I have achieved most of the goals I set for myself: a decent job, the purchase of my home, a nice man etc etc. Yet, I sit here feeling like something is missing. I always feel like something is missing, but I can never put my finger on what that is. Last years, my boyfriend moved in with me, I had breast reduction surgery, I purchased a new car, and I finished a university program I’d been doing online. BIG things! I should feel excited and proud, but I don’t.

So what am I missing? That’s what I plan on figuring out in 2019. I will be 45 years old this October, and my one and only goal for this year is to grow emotionally. To find what I’ve been searching for — self acceptance, joy, contentment. I’m not expecting to have a life altering experience; I just want to experience life. I want to stop worrying about what my boss, boyfriend, friends think of me, and start thinking about what I think of me.

All I need is a pocket full of sunshine to help shine away my anxiety of living. Day one – February 4, 2019: I’ve lost my love of fitness, and I want to get it back. Therefore, today’s goal is to try something different at the gym. Sounds easy, but for me that will be a challenge. I’d love to hear what you all do to keep yourself interested in fitness.